Marjal, Wednesday 18th

Marjal, Wednesday 18th




The number on the piece of plastic that Adam had copied to me via e-mail and was supposed to be the key number for the Navara WAS the correct number.

It was VK 00310 %$ and when I presented this to Mr Happy, the service manager in Nissan reception, he just shrugged and said “No”.



OK so we drove to Nissan Alicante again, showed the number to Ana Garcia, a very nice and unquestionably tall women of about 30, again a “No good, leave the car here and come back in an hour”.



Carrefour was walking distance. “I need some spoons”, “spoons?” So off we went and spent the allotted hour checking out and buying 4 teaspoons. I think I got off lightly and I’ll put that down as a win, wouldn’t you?



So back to dealer and €23.49 lighter in the pocket, I picked up our newly programmed keys. I asked Ana if the key the bastids still had would work anymore. “It may open door but no vroom vroom”.



Looked at the label on the new key with the key number written on it. 00310. Now I may not be as swift as I used to be but it looks like I’ve just spent over £20 quid on something they should have recognised as a Nissan key number.



On the way back for the car we had stopped in a café, me, cheese and ham toastie, er indoors, Spanish omelette. “I don’t think that’s salt you are just going to put on your food, taste it first”. As usual all I got was a withering look. She then sprinkled the entire sachet on it. “So how’s your omelette?” “Very sweet”. Rather than just look like an idiot she decided to act like one and ate it all. The two Spanish waitresses obviously think that’s how we Brits eat omelettes. From now on, of course, whenever she orders anything I’m going to ask if she wants sugar on it.



I finally figured out that the problem with the Wi-Fi is not a problem with the Wi-Fi but with my computer. I’m sitting here waiting for the net to respond and SWMBO is banging out e-mails and “shopping” at John Lewis, like there is no tomorrow, so it’s got to be my computer. I8 just hangs now and again and I don’t want to try and “fix it” here because I’ll only end up screwing it up altogether. Decided to load FireFox, same result, so no pictures any time soon.



I tried to load 20 pictures on to Photobucket and it took 6 hours!



I decided to make my special chilli source, loosely based around tomato, onion, ginger and as much garlic that you can peel at one go. I could not tell, or the cheap red wine was preventing me measuring properly, exactly how much chillies, crushed chillies, cayenne pepper etc. I was putting in. Tricia tried some and immediately ran off to the toilet. I chucked some pasta and chopped sausage at it and with the help of Lidl’s best, ate a bowl of it.



Watched “West Wing” the fourth series, we’ve only got another 60 hours of viewing left, and then to bed.









Thursday 19th



Well any problems with constipation are now just a vague memory. That chilli really opened the sluices at both ends. Which, of course, reminds me of a very old story:-



East Grinstead actually has a Curry Cook-off about June/July.



It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Waitrose’s car park.



Judge number three was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting

From America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at East Grinstead Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...



Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.



Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.



Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...



Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.



Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.



Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...



Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.



Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.



Judge 3 -- Call 999. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.



CHILI 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...



Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.



Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.



Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sharleen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?



CHILI 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...



Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.



Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.



Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sharleen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...



Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.



Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.



Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sharleen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a ice-cream.



CHILI 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...



Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.



Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).



Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...



Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.



Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?



Judge 3 - No Report



Back to Thursday, cycled to “Pick and Pay” an English shop selling all those things you really miss and can’t get out here. Colman’s mustard, HP sauce, you get the picture. We have also found an “Iceland” supermarket and it was very expensive. They price most things in £’s and convert to €’s at the till at about 1 to 1. Then on to Lidl and Macedona to top up the necessary liquids. Then it actually rained! Well I counted about a hundred drops and then stopped as it was not proper rain really.



So now sitting in the MS reading and writing and looking at my watch as I try to stay off the juice until 7’ish. My God! It’s 6:47 pm, I’m going to be late opening the fridge door.